


When Flowers Cry

by RavenAlyssa



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Art Major Victor Nikiforov, Artist Victor Nikiforov, Asexual Phichit Chulanont, Biology Major Katsuki Yuuri, Bisexual Victor Nikiforov, College Student Katsuki Yuuri, College Student Victor Nikiforov, Colorado, F/M, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Katsuki Yuuri Original Background, M/M, Major Illness, Other, POV Katsuki Yuuri, POV Victor Nikiforov, Panic Attacks, Unrequited Love, VictUuri, Yuri!!! on Ice AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2018-10-25 23:15:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10774518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenAlyssa/pseuds/RavenAlyssa
Summary: Hanahaki disease is an rare illness born from unrequited romantic love, in which the patient throws up and coughs out flower petals. The plant grows in the lungs, and eventually becomes deadly if not treated. The only true cure is if the love is returned or if it dies naturally. Alternatively, the plant can be removed through surgery, but the feelings and memories of love disappear along with the petals."At first, Yuuri thought it was just a cold. The persistent cough, the tightening in his chest -- that was nothing unusual; his colds normally lasted a while. It would go away sooner or later.But a month later, the cough still showed no signs of letting up. Instead, Yuuri’s wheezing seemed to get worse with each passing week."





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thanks for reading my second Yuri!!! on Ice fanfiction! :)
> 
> There are a couple things you need to know about this one. First, Yuuri has a different backstory: his family died in a car accident (sorry) so he moved to Colorado to live with extended family. Second, Viktor is a first-generation citizen of the USA, and lived in the same town Yuuri moved to. Third, Adams State University (the college they go to) is not close to the town they lived in, though it's still in Colorado.
> 
> Enjoy (and I'm sorry in advance)

At first, Yuuri thought it was just a cold. The persistent cough, the tightening in his chest -- that was nothing unusual; his colds normally lasted a while. It would go away sooner or later.

But a month later, the cough still showed no signs of letting up. Instead, Yuuri’s wheezing seemed to get worse with each passing week. The only thing that helped was his inhaler, and even that couldn’t take away the dull ache in his chest.

“You should see a doctor,” Viktor said one morning when Yuuri entered the common room coughing. He was standing at the coffee maker, his back turned, but Yuuri could imagine his face, serious, his forehead wrinkling the way it did when he was studying art.

Yuuri realized he was staring at Viktor’s bare back and looked away. “I’m fine,” he said.

“It’s been a month. Colds don’t last that long. It could be pneumonia.” Viktor turned to face him, coffee mug steaming in his hand. Sunlight caught on his tousled hair, highlighting it with a silvery glow.

Yuuri didn’t want to admit it, but Viktor was probably right. It would be better to get this checked sooner rather than later, just in case. “I’ll make an appointment today.”

“Good.”

“You’re rarely up so early,” Yuuri observed, trying to fill the silence.

“I have to finish an art project. It’s due tomorrow.”

“It’s probably good enough as it is.”

“Maybe, but I want it to be perfect. It’s a gift.”

“Viktor, everything you make is perfect.”

“Says the one who can only draw stick figures.”

Yuuri grinned. “Just because I can’t draw it doesn’t mean I can’t judge it.”

“Doubtful. It takes talent to know talent,” Viktor said with mock solemnity.

Yuuri raised his eyebrows. “Are you implying I’m not talented?”

“Of course not! What would make you think that?”

“Hmph. Well, whoever it’s for, they’d better be worth all the effort you’re putting into it.”

“Don’t worry, she is.”

⚘                ⚘                ⚘

Yuuri sat in the glaring fluorescent lights, unnerved by utter whiteness of the room. He hated how cold and empty it seemed, a stark contrast to Viktor’s bright, messy paintings.

Dr. Liu walked in, a manila folder in his hand. “I have the results,” he said as he sat down. Yuuri avoided his eyes. He was afraid of what he would see in them.

Yuuri had been surprised when Dr. Liu had asked for x-rays. The doctor had assured him that it was just to help eliminate some possibilities and pinpoint the source of his sickness. But still, he felt uneasy.

Dr. Liu handed him the x-rays. “You should see for yourself,” he said.

Yuuri glanced up. Dr. Liu’s face was grim, and his heart sped up, thudding hard in his chest. He hesitated before opening the folder.

The black-and-white images were grainy, but it wasn’t hard to see the small white vine-like curves in the lowest corner of his right lung.

“Hanahaki,” he whispered.

Dr. Liu nodded. “It hasn’t taken root yet,” he said, “so it could die before it gets serious. But that depends on you and who it is you like.”

 _No,_ Yuuri thought, even as he nodded. _I_ can’t _have hanahaki. It’s not possible._

He knew a fair amount about the disease -- the medical and bio students at Adams State University had done a joint research project on hanahaki. The disease was extremely rare, and it seemed to occur almost completely randomly. Though leading scientists and doctors were searching furiously for a cure, so far the only option was a surgery that not only removed the flowers, but also the feelings of love associated with them.

“This--” Dr. Liu handed him a paper “--is Dr. Marie’s contact information. She specializes in hanahaki. If you start having serious trouble breathing, contact her right away. Otherwise, come back here in a month for a checkup on its progress.”

Yuuri nodded and left the room.

He had hanahaki disease. Yuuri couldn’t understand it. How could he, of all people, have hanahaki? Why him?

 _Maybe the flowers will die,_ he thought. _They haven’t taken root yet. Maybe I’ll fall out of love._

But that was impossible. Though he didn’t want to admit it, Yuuri knew who the flowers were for, and he knew his love wasn’t going to die anytime soon. It had been a quiet whisper in the back of his mind for a long time. He’d just never realized how deep it had grown.

It was Viktor. Viktor, who’d been a privileged member of the middle school popular kids, and still decided to take the quiet new kid under his wing. Viktor, who let Yuuri see the feelings he’d hidden from everyone else. Viktor, who had saved Yuuri’s life.

He was in love with Viktor.

Now, more than ever, he couldn’t tell Viktor how he felt. There was no way Yuuri could burden him with the knowledge that he might be the cause of his best friend’s death. This had to stay a secret.

“Yuuri! How’d it go?” Viktor asked, turning away from the TV as soon as Yuuri entered the common room.

“Fine.” He couldn’t quite meet Viktor’s eyes. “I’m gonna go study now.”

“Oh-- okay.” Viktor returned his attention back to the ice skating competition, and Yuuri hurried down the hallway to his room.

⚘                ⚘                ⚘

“I’ll be leaving for a couple weeks, so you’ll have the room to yourself,” Yuuri’s roommate said one night.

“Oh.” Yuuri wasn’t sure what else to say. Was he supposed to congratulate Michele? Say he’d miss him? But he wouldn’t; the two weren’t exactly close.

It was all rather abrupt.

“Just visiting my girlfriend,” Michele muttered into the dark. “Her grandfather died.”

“I’m sorry.” There was a long silence. Eventually Yuuri realized Michele wasn’t going to say anything else, and he turned towards the wall.

Well, he was glad to finally be alone, even if it was only for two weeks. It wasn’t that Michele was mean or dislikable or anything; they just didn’t quite get along. Yuuri was sure Michele found him annoying, though the latter never said anything about it. So he usually tried to avoid Michele. It was mutual. This would make it a lot easier, though, especially if the hanahaki got worse.

Yuuri wished he could tell Viktor about the disease. He hated keeping secrets.

His thoughts wandered, flashing through memories and dreams and the many, many secrets he’d kept from most of the world during high school. Viktor was the only one Yuuri could talk to. His uncle was rarely home, and his aunt rarely sober. His cousins were already out of the house, leaving him the main target of his aunt’s anger. In sixth grade, when Yuuri had first moved in with his relatives, it wasn’t so bad. But then his uncle lost his job, and everything fell apart.

He missed his old friends back in Japan, and the onsen his family had owned, and his little puppy Vicchan. He missed feeling safe and loved and wanted. Most of all, he missed his parents.

More and more, Yuuri found himself at Viktor’s house after school, and eventually he started sneaking out overnight, staying the weekends. Viktor’s parents were rarely home anyway, and his sister was already in college, so no one minded his being there. It was the only place he felt safe now, the only place he could be happy, the only place he didn’t have to worry about anxiety and panic attacks and depression.

Viktor knew everything about Yuuri. Everything except this.

⚘                ⚘                ⚘

The first petals came a week later, during a fit of dry coughing.

Yuuri had been out late, and he was walking across campus towards Coronado Hall when he felt something deep in the back of his throat. He couldn’t breathe.

He managed to hold it back, but as soon as he’d closed the bedroom door behind him, the cough erupted. He bent over, leaning against the door, as the petals forced their way up his throat.

Yuuri was glad his roommate was gone. He definitely didn’t want Michele knowing about this. He just had to keep it secret for another month, and then sophomore year was over and he could get an apartment off campus.

Yuuri picked up one of the petals as soon as the fit had subsided. It was torn, incomplete, a pale indigo with a single dark streak running through it. He looked it up immediately.

 

> _Campanula. Commonly known as a bellflower. Signifies gratitude, honesty, unwavering love, the return of a friend._

It was ironic, the honesty part-- although it was also very true, with the exception of Yuuri’s current secret. And Yuuri had always been grateful for Viktor’s friendship, though he’d never really understood why Viktor’d been interested in him.

Yuuri checked the clock. _11:53._ It was far too late to call the doctor now; he’d have to do it tomorrow.

He hated this. He hated himself for falling in love with his straight best friend, but there was nothing he could do to change it. Yuuri stared at the petal in his hand, pale against his skin. He had a feeling the flowers wouldn’t be going away anytime soon. He picked the other petals up hurriedly and threw them in the trash.

⚘                ⚘                ⚘

“At this point, the disease probably won’t go away on its own, unless your interests change.” Dr. Marie paused. “I recommend having the surgery done now, before it gets worse.”

Yuuri looked down at his knees. He didn’t want to die, but the thought of living without any feelings regarding Viktor, without any remembrance of the love he felt now, was unbearable. For a long time, Viktor had been the only good in his life. To lose his friendship… it was too much.

“Without the surgery, the disease normally takes three to five years to reach the final stages.” Dr. Marie spoke softly. Her eyes were sympathetic, but she could never know what Yuuri was feeling.

He shook his head slowly. “I can’t lose the memories I have right now. I just--” he broke off. “I can’t,” he whispered.

Dr. Marie nodded. “In that case, here’s a prescription for a medicine that should relieve some of the pain and make it easier to breathe.” She handed Yuuri a paper. “You’ll need a checkup at least every other month, even if it seems like nothing has changed. Hanahaki is rare, and whatever information can be gathered…”

“I understand,” Yuuri said. “Thank you.”

“I’ll do whatever I can to help you through this. And… well, I hope she realizes.”

Yuuri flinched inwardly. “Yeah,” he said, then stood and left the room.

⚘                ⚘                ⚘

They had planned for a while to get an apartment together for their junior and senior years of college. But when Viktor brought it up this time, Yuuri was uncertain.

“Is something wrong?” Viktor asked.

Yuuri shook his head. “I just want to think about it.”

“You _have_ thought about it. We’ve both thought about it, for years.” Viktor’s eyes searched his face.

“I--”

“What changed?” His voice was sharp, and Yuuri flinched.

“Of course I still want to; I just don’t know if I can.”

“Why the hell wouldn’t you be able to? This isn’t a very complicated decision.”

 _But it is. It is, and I hate it._ Yuuri didn’t want Viktor to find out about the hanahaki, not yet. But he hadn’t considered that keeping it secret could hurt so much.

“Fine,” Viktor said softly. And then he was gone.

Yuuri stared silently at the empty chair in front of him.

 _He’ll have to find out eventually,_ he thought. But it wasn’t something he could just bring up in conversation. Right now, only his doctors knew about his disease. Somehow, it felt as though admitting its existence out loud would make it more real.

But it was already very real. Too real. Yuuri was going to die.

_If someone has to find out, I’d rather it be Viktor than anyone else._


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!  
> This story has gotten a lot more attention that I expected. Thanks for all the good feedback! You have no idea how happy it makes me (^_^)
> 
> Also: I'm splitting ch. 2 up since it's so long. I wanted to post the full chapter soon so you wouldn't have to wait too long-- but it's so long, there's no way I could do that. So you get half of it. :)

“You’ve been coughing a lot lately. Are you okay?” Viktor asked.

They were almost finished with the first semester of junior year, and Yuuri was curled up on the couch, studying furiously for his bio finals. He looked over at Viktor, who was sitting at their kitchen table, also studying.

His medicine had been working extremely well, and though his chest was constantly uncomfortably tight, he never had a coughing fit during the day. But the medicine wore off at night, and that’s when it would start. Yuuri hadn’t gotten much sleep lately.

“I--” he started, but then something was crushing his lungs, and clawing up his throat, and he couldn’t hold it back. The flowers came cascading out, burning, tearing at his throat. He heard his textbook thud to the ground as he bent over, eyes squeezed shut against the pain.

As the coughing died down, as he started to breathe again, Yuuri became aware of the hand on his shoulder. Viktor. He opened his eyes. Indigo petals were scattered around his feet, trembling.

“Hanahaki,” Viktor said softly.

Yuuri nodded. He was still breathing hard from the force of the coughing.

“How long has it been?”

“...A year.” His voice was hoarse, foreign.

“A year? You’ve had this for a year?! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I had hoped it would go away.”

Viktor was quiet for a moment. “Who is it?” he finally asked.

Yuuri didn’t answer. He couldn’t. So he knelt down and started picking up the petals. Viktor joined him silently.

⚘                ⚘                ⚘

“The social-cognitive perspective on personality proposed by Albert Bandura emphasizes...” The professor droned on, and Yuuri sighed. While he loved psychology, this particular professor had zero inflection in his voice. Yuuri and Phichit, his roommate from freshman year and fellow classmate, often joked about whether he was even human.

Yuuri yawned, and winced. His throat was raw from coughing almost every night. He needed to talk to Dr. Marie about a medicine that would last through the night, so he wouldn’t lose so much sleep...

Then, deep in his throat, Yuuri felt a slight tickle. _Wait, not here!_ Yuuri thought, but he was coughing, and world was blurring, and then everyone knew.

“Yuuri! Are you okay?” Marissa, Viktor’s girlfriend, was standing above his desk.

“It’s hanahaki,” came another voice. The professor, but for once, he sounded worried.

“You should go home.” Phichit, standing next to Marissa.

“I--” Yuuri croaked “I’ll be fine.”

“You just coughed up flowers! You’re not fine!” Marissa said.

“I might be missing class a lot more in the future… I want to be here when I can.”

“Do you need water?” Phichit asked. “Or aspirin or something?”

Yuuri almost declined, not wanting to interrupt the class any longer, but his throat was horribly dry. “Water please,” he said. Phichit ran out.

“I can clean up the petals,” he said to Marissa, who had started gathering them up.

“No. You sit. I’ll clean this up.”

“But--”

“Shush. No buts.” She grabbed a handful and carried them over to the garbage.

Phichit ran back in, bottle in hand. “Here,” he said.

“Thank you.” Yuuri drank slowly, each swallow feeling like a knife down his throat. But eventually it started to hurt less. He looked up at the professor. “You can keep going,” he said. “I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Yuuri grabbed a cough drop and tried to focus as the monotonous voice resumed.

 

After class, Phichit joined Yuuri on the walk back to the apartments just off campus.

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked. “You’re a lot quieter than usual.”

“I was just thinking…” He trailed off, then started again. “So, hanahaki… You… Will you be alright? I mean…”

“Phichit, please don’t worry about me. I’m fine, I’m not going anywhere.” Yuuri smiled.

“Okay… but if you ever need anything, I’m here. I’ll bring notes if you miss class and stuff…”

“Thank you. Hopefully I won’t need that for a while though.”

“Yeah.” Phichit laughed shakily. “Okay, I’ll see you next week then. Or maybe-- if you have time, you wanna get a coffee this weekend? It’s been a while since we’ve hung out.”

“Sure!”

“Great. I’ll-- well, I have to check my calendar, so I’ll text you about a time later.”

“Okay. See you later then.”

“Yup! You too!” Phichit waved as he turned back towards campus, and Yuuri smiled. He missed talking to his friend. They had met at freshman orientation, and though Yuuri had always been reserved, somehow he’d felt instantly comfortable around Phichit. Lately, though, with Phichit becoming involved in multiple clubs, and with Yuuri trying to avoid as many social gatherings as possible, they hadn’t really seen each other outside of classes. So this would be nice.

Yuuri unlocked the apartment door and stepped in. It was quiet-- it looked like Viktor wasn’t home yet. _This is what it’ll be like for Viktor when I’m gone…_ The thought slipped in quietly. _No!_ Yuuri didn’t want to think of that. _No no no no._

_You’re going to--_

_No, I’m not--_

_You’re going die._

_I don’t want to--_

_Die._

His breath was short, shallow. _Breathe._

_I can’t-- I can’t--_

_You told Phichit you weren’t going anywh--_

_You worthless liar, you’re dy--_

_What if you never see him again--_

_I need to--_

Yuuri gasped for breath. Tears slid down his cheeks, down his neck. He slumped against the wall, sliding slowly to the floor.

_I can’t do anything._

_There’s so much left--_

_I can’t--_

_I can’t._

“Yuuri!”

Yuuri looked up. Viktor’s backpack thudded to the floor and he ran to Yuuri.

_You worthless--_

_You’re going to leave him--_

_I can’t leave--_

“Yuuri, Yuuri.” Viktor sat in front of him and grabbed his hands. “It’s okay, you’re going to be okay. Breathe, Yuuri-- breathe--”

Yuuri stared at Viktor’s hands wrapped around his. He tried to breathe deep, but--

“Yuuri, through the nose.” Viktor kept talking, and Yuuri focused on breathing. In through the nose, but he couldn’t get enough breath, and he needed more air, and…

“See, it’s okay, you’ve got this. I’m right here, you’re not alone, just keep breathing.”

And Yuuri was breathing. Viktor’s hands were warm. His eyes, bright cobalt, stared intently at Yuuri. They were beautiful.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“Yuuri…” Viktor leaned forward and hugged him. Yuuri sank into his arms, relaxing in the familiar smell of newly cleaned shirts and, faintly, shampoo. He wished he could stay there forever.

⚘                 ⚘                ⚘

“Yuuri!” Viktor called from the kitchen.

“Yeah?” Yuuri called back. He was in his room, finishing up the last of his homework for the night.

“Marissa and a couple of her friends and I are going to see a movie--” Viktor appeared in the doorway. “Do you want to come?”

“What movie?” Yuuri asked.

“We were going to decide once we got there. We’re going out to eat afterwards too.”

“I… don’t think so.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sort of tired.”

“Okay. See you later, then.”

Yuuri leaned back against the arm of the couch. Almost a year had passed since Viktor had found out about the hanahaki disease. The fits came more often during the day now; the medicine was losing its effect. Yuuri didn’t really care who saw him. It just didn’t matter anymore.

Recently, though, he’d been starting to feel a lot weaker afterwards. He wanted to be fine, but when even walking became a struggle, it was hard to pretend everything was okay. Thankfully, he was rarely ever that weak. But he knew it would only get worse.

 _What time is it?_ Yuuri wondered. It was dark out, and his eyes were getting heavy. He glanced at his clock. _Only 9:00? That’s not that late,_ he thought. Still, he’d already finished his work for the night; he might as well go to bed.

⚘                ⚘                ⚘

There was blood on the flowers.

Yuuri had woken up coughing, and when it finally subsided, his pillow was covered in full bell flowers, slightly torn and spotted with blood.

Yuuri’s skin prickled with sweat, his heart thudding violently in his chest. His cheeks were wet with tears, and he curled into himself, his body shaking.

Blood.

Blood wasn’t good.

Yuuri wondered how long he had left, and wished it would all just go away.


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's a lot more painful to write a story like this than it is to read one... because you're immersed in the world with the characters you love for very extended amounts of time as you write and edit the story... and every angsty scene is a blow to your heart... *cries*  
> I have at times wanted to write a fanfiction for this story. Even though this is a fanfiction itself...

It was starting to feel more like summer than spring. The late April flowers were in full bloom, and the air smelt of nostalgia and freedom and warmth.

It felt good, like peace.

But peace never lasted long. With the rigor of classes as they got closer to final exams and the extensive preparations for graduation, Yuuri was constantly busy. Of course, the flowers and his growing weakness didn’t help much. Each week, it seemed to be getting even harder to breathe.

 _Graduation is only a couple weeks away,_ Yuuri reminded himself. He was determined to make it to the ceremony, even if he had to do it in a wheelchair.

Yuuri had, as much as he could, reconciled himself to the fact of his death. Now he just wanted to live his last months as fully as possible. He never turned down an invitation to hang out with people anymore, unless he was feeling too sick. He wanted to experience as much life as he could, even if it was just normal life. He wanted to be with his friends ― and most of all, he wanted to be with Viktor.

Viktor had been amazing, ever since he’d found out about the hanahaki. He stayed home whenever Yuuri was feeling particularly horrible, sat with him as he hacked and spluttered, flowers pouring from his mouth. He got glass after glass of water for Yuuri, and once even brought him a bouquet of white chrysanthemums and anemones. “I’m sorry if this is rude,” he’d said. “Before hanahaki, you really liked flowers, so I thought― But if you don’t like them, I’ll throw them out, of course.” Yuuri didn’t let him get rid of them. When they’d finally started dying, Viktor had to convince him to let them be thrown away and replaced with new ones.

Thankfully, though Yuuri was coughing more often, there was rarely blood on the petals. The few times it had happened, Yuuri was alone. Maybe that wasn’t a good thing ― those were the worst coughing fits ― but Yuuri knew Viktor would freak out if he knew about the blood. Viktor was worried enough as it was.

Lately, especially for the past couple of weeks, he’d seemed quieter than usual. Yuuri wondered if it was his fault. He hadn’t told his friend yet about his deadline, but Viktor must’ve had his suspicions. He wished he could do something to lessen the burden.

He had talked to Marissa about it a couple days ago. He was sitting on the green, reading, and she’d come up to him and asked how he was doing. He didn’t hide the truth, but he didn’t tell her about the blood.

“I’m really worried about him,” Yuuri had told her. “I… I’m going to die, and Viktor… We’ve been friends for a long time, and this will probably hurt him a lot…” He paused. “I won’t be able to be there for him. He’ll need someone... could you―?”

“Of course!” Marissa had replied. “I’ll take care of him, I promise. It’s the least I can do… I just wish― Why do you have to die? Can’t you get the surgery?”

Yuuri shook his head. “I couldn’t live without the love I have now. He―” _Oh no._ “She’s the reason I’m even alive now… Without her, I don’t think I could live anymore…” _Please don’t notice, don’t notice, don’t question me…_

Marissa hadn’t mentioned the slip-up. She just nodded, looking down at her lap. “I’m sorry they don’t realize,” she had said.

Somehow, even though Marissa was Viktor’s girlfriend, Yuuri couldn’t hate her for it. He was jealous, yes, but she was so kind and friendly; he understood why Viktor liked her. He noticed how happy Viktor was around her, and he knew he could trust her with this. He knew she would take care of Viktor in his place.

⚘                ⚘                ⚘

Yuuri took a deep breath, though it hurt to try expanding his lungs too much. The fresh air was invigorating, and despite having felt horribly weak that morning, Yuuri decided to take the stairs up to the apartment.

He had to take a break after the second flight of stairs. His breath came in short, erratic bursts, mirroring his heartbeat. _I used to be able to run over five miles, and now I can’t even walk up two flights of stairs._ He sat there and caught his breath before standing and climbing the last flight to their apartment.

By the time he got to the doorway, he was out of breath all over again. He unlocked the door, stumbled over to the table, and sat down heavily in the empty chair. Viktor was sitting across from him, painting.

“Are you okay?” Viktor asked.

“Yeah,” Yuuri breathed, glancing up at his friend.

Viktor’s eyes were rimmed with red. “What’s wrong?” Yuuri asked, alarmed.

“Marissa broke up with me,” Viktor responded, voice bitter.

“What?!” _She promised ― how could she do this? She knows I won’t make it, she knows how it’ll affect Viktor. Why would she break up with him now?! _Viktor and Marissa had been together for over two years, and they’d seemed so perfect for each other; Yuuri had never expected this to happen. A small part of him was secretly glad, as though their breaking up actually gave him a chance. It didn’t of course, and Yuuri hated himself for the thought. “I’m so sorry,” he said.

Viktor was silent, focusing on the waves on his canvas, before he started talking. “I wanted to start getting more serious with her, to talk about some long-term things… but this week I never got the chance to bring it up. Something just… felt off.”

He paused to switch brushes.

“I tried to ask her what was wrong,” Viktor continued, “but she said it was nothing. I don’t know… is it my fault? Have I changed?”

Yuuri shook his head. “It’s not your fault.”

“...She was crying when she said it. When she told me this wouldn’t work anymore…”

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize; it’s not your fault. I just― Damn it! I can’t lose both of you. I can’t―”

Yuuri gagged suddenly and started coughing, but it passed quickly, leaving him with only a few indigo petals. No blood ― good. “I’m okay,” he said, and crushed the petals in his hand.

“Why haven’t you ever dated?” Viktor asked suddenly. “You’ve turned down every girl since the one you dated back in eighth grade.”

“I just… haven’t found the right person, I guess.” Yuuri felt his face heating up. He hadn’t expected that question.

“But you’re obviously in love with someone. Why won’t you talk to her?”

Yuuri cringed at the pronoun and looked down. “I don’t want them to think they caused this.”

“But she did, and you deserve to live! At least if you talked to her, you’d have a chance.”

Yuuri shook his head. “It’s impossible.”

“Then at least get the surgery! It’s not too late yet―”

“I can’t―”

“Yes you can!” Viktor grabbed his wrist. Yuuri’s head jerked up at the touch, his eyes meeting Viktor’s intense stare. “Whoever you love doesn’t love you back. She’s not worth dying for!”

“No,” Yuuri whispered, the blood rushing in his ears. _It’s you,_ his mind screamed. Viktor’s hand was hot on his wrist. _It’s you, it’s you, it’s you._ Viktor’s face was too close, his lips…

Yuuri pulled back, standing up and twisting his wrist out of Viktor’s grasp. He needed to get away.

“Yuuri?”

He needed to get out.

Yuuri ran, heard the click of the door as he slammed it behind him. He ran, barely registering the pound of his feet on the steps, oblivious to the stares of other students as he left the building. Before he knew it, he was sitting in his car, chest heaving, gasping in as much air as he could while the vines contracted around his lungs.

He waited for his heart to calm, for the dizziness to pass, before starting the engine. He needed to drive, to go somewhere far away ― it didn’t matter where.

So he drove, away from campus, until he reached the edge of town. And he kept going.

He probably shouldn’t have been out there, driving by himself. He probably shouldn’t have taken highway 17, which led only to farms and mountains and utter isolation. But Yuuri wanted to be alone.

It wasn’t long before the town was swallowed by the horizon in the rearview mirror. Yuuri was alone, surrounded only by low yellow shrub and the occasional scraggly tree. The sky was a deep, deep blue, a few wispy clouds breaking its monotony. He cracked open his window, letting the warm air of late afternoon rush over him.

It was quiet out here, peaceful. _It might be nice to die in a place like this,_ he thought.

Yuuri was tired, tired of the illness, tired of keeping secrets. Why did it have to be him? And why did it have to be Viktor? He didn’t want to hide anymore. _But if you actually did tell him, all that would do is hurt him. And I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I’ve hurt him enough already._

He hated himself. He hated the thin, weak creature he’d become. He hated the fear he felt at the thought of coming out. He hated himself for his jealousy of Marissa, when Marissa made Viktor happy in a way Yuuri knew he never could.

But Marissa had left, and Yuuri suspected it was his fault. Maybe he’d asked too much of her. Or maybe she’d been jealous; Viktor had been spending a lot less time with her lately. _But surely she would have understood, surely she wouldn’t blame him for taking care of me._

He hated himself for being so selfish.

A high dinging pulled Yuuri from his thoughts: he was low on fuel. _It’s only been twenty minutes ― I shouldn’t be out yet. _He must have forgotten to get gas earlier. But there was a gas station in Hooper, which wasn’t far. He’d stop there.

Yuuri pulled into the small, run-down gas station. It was one of the few buildings in an area that was probably too small to even be considered a town. He wondered if the place would ever grow, or if it’d stay unchanged, static for a few more decades, until it just died altogether. Looking at the low, faded buildings surrounded by empty land, Yuuri guessed it would be the latter.

He was back on the road in five minutes, and in five minutes he was thinking about Viktor again. _It’s always you, isn’t it?..._ But he let the memories come.

Some of his clearest memories with Viktor were from high school, when he’d stay at his friend’s for the weekends. He remembered once, in ninth grade, sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night and walking the two miles to Viktor’s, unannounced because his phone had been smashed to pieces earlier that evening during one of his aunt’s rages. Viktor had let him in immediately and listened as Yuuri spoke. All the little bits of feeling he’d stored away finally broke through that night. That was the first time since he was a child that Yuuri had cried in front of another person.

Yuuri was struck suddenly by an image of Viktor’s own tear-streaked face. How, how could Marissa have left him now? Viktor needed her. She was everything to him.

She did not deserve him. To hurt Viktor like this ― she didn’t deserve him at all.

Yuuri grit his teeth, anger hot in his chest. The world was cruel. Could no one be happy, could no one have love? Could no one find peace? It seemed like life was a villain, trying to ruin the hero in every way possible.

Or maybe Yuuri was the villain, and life, the hero. Because villains always lost in the end.

Yuuri turned on the radio, but there was nothing besides gospel, sports news, and static, so he switched it back off. The foothills of the Sangre de Cristo mountains had risen up on either side of him. Gray clouds sat heavy and low, trapped by the hills. Yuuri shivered and rolled up the windows. It was starting to get colder.

Yuuri wondered how far he’d go. He’d have to turn around at some point. He’d already been driving for nearly an hour… but he wasn’t ready to go back quite yet.

In the distance sat the low buildings of another just-barely-there town. After that, there was nothing for miles. At some point in that nothingness, he’d turn around.

It was really beautiful out here. The mountains seemed almost immortal; they made Yuuri feel small and unimportant. But somehow, that helped: it meant that, even if he died, the world would go on, back to normal, like it always did. The mountains, the sky, the sun ― they would always be there. The plants living on the Earth would keep surviving. Eventually, Viktor would move on, and though the thought hurt, there was also some comfort in it.

Yuuri took a deep breath, let it out slowly. _Everything will be okay,_ he told himself. _Everything_ will _be okay._ And he believed it. Because even if he wouldn’t be okay, Viktor would be, and at that point, that was all that mattered. _Everything will be okay._

Suddenly, Yuuri choked. The flowers were in his throat, in his mouth, clogging his airways. He coughed violently, swerving, and screeched to a stop on the side of the road. Full bell flowers spilled from his mouth, making what breath he could catch ragged and painful. Dark splotches flecked the pale indigo petals. Yuuri grabbed at the stabbing pain in his throat and retched, bumping his head on the steering wheel with the force of it.

Then it was over. Yuuri was hot, incredibly hot, and he couldn’t stop shaking. His lips were cracked and split. He sucked in weak, trembling gasps of air as he reached for his inhaler, but it was completely useless. He wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand; it came away streaked with blood.

He needed to cool down.

Yuuri opened the door, glad for the shock of the cool evening air. He staggered around the front of the car to the grass on the other side and sat. His whole body ached. He was weak, weaker than he’d ever been before.

 _This might be it._ Yuuri pushed the small, unwanted thought away, but it kept returning. He looked out at the empty land before him.

 _I don’t want to die_ , he thought. _Not here, not now. I want to see Viktor again. And I still have to graduate._ He couldn’t leave Viktor like this, with no warning. He had to―

The coughing started again, harsh and wet, consuming his thoughts. Yuuri fell onto his forearms. Something sharp and hard dug into his knee, and the flowers wouldn’t stop coming. Yuuri closed his eyes at the sight of them, those vile, ugly things that were taking his life away. He could feel his strength slipping, could feel weakness gripping his limbs. It was more blood than flowers now. His mind screamed.

_Take it away ― let it stop― please! _

Yuuri sputtered up the last few blood-soaked petals and collapsed onto his stomach in the bed of scarlet and indigo, his breath short and harsh. The world swam before his eyes. His body was heavy, too heavy to move, so he lay there and tried to focus on breathing, one painful gasp after another.

The silence was deafening. Yuuri could feel the desperate heartbeat of the hard Earth against his skin. The mountains in front of him blurred and faded. When they returned, there was water ― beautiful, dark water ― flooding from the base of the hills. _They’re crying,_ he thought.

Somewhere over there, far away, someone started playing music. It was high and clear, weaving a melody he didn’t know. Yuuri wondered what instrument it was. He concentrated on the sound, trying to ignore the tightness of his chest. Little wisps of light danced over the water in mesmerizing patterns, blurred and wavering.

Yuuri shivered. His shirt clung to his skin, cold and wet. He wished for fire.

In the distance, over the music, Yuuri heard his name. Someone was calling him ― but it was so peaceful and empty out here, he must have been dreaming.

Then strong hands gripped his shoulders, and he was half sitting up, leaning into someone’s arms ― Viktor’s arms, because there was Viktor’s terrified face looking down at him. And there was Viktor’s jacket draped over him, still warm. It smelled like paint.

“Viktor―”

But his chest was tightening and tightening and crushing his lungs, and he couldn’t breathe.

 _Save me,_ he thought, but he knew it was too late now.

“They’re― you’re― why didn’t you tell me it was this bad?”

Yuuri couldn’t answer. The air was a dagger, scraping at his throat with each breath.

“Water,” he rasped when his breathing had calmed down.

There was a cool hand on his forehead, and Yuuri shivered again. “Shit, Yuuri, you’re burning up!”

“Water,” he whispered.

Viktor left, then appeared again with a near-empty bottle. “This is all I have,” he said, kneeling and tilting the bottle into Yuuri’s mouth.

The water was gone too quickly. “How… are you here?” Yuuri croaked out when he’d finished drinking.

“I saw blood on the flowers in the trash… Please, Yuuri, tell me who it is. Let me call her, tell her to come here. Maybe she’ll―”

“It’s too late,” Yuuri whispered.

“No― don’t say that! You’re going to be fine, the ambulance is coming, you’ll be okay.”

“No―”

“Just let me do this, let me help. Let me call her.” Viktor was crying now. “Please―”

“Viktor,” he said. Viktor fell silent. “It’s you.”

Viktor’s eyes widened. He was shocked; Yuuri had known he would be. “I… caused this?” he whispered.

“No!” Yuuri said with surprising force. “I chose this. Don’t blame yourself.”

“But― I thought― Why didn’t you tell me? I could have― I could have loved you back―”

Yuuri shook his head. “It’s okay... You like girls; it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not like that! I mean, it is, but I― I like guys too. But I thought you’d be uncomfortable if you knew―” Viktor’s eyes were desperate. “Please, Yuuri, I need you to keep living, I need you to stay…”

Yuuri’s heart pounded hard in his chest. How hadn’t he known? Why hadn’t he―

Viktor’s face blurred, and a wave of dizziness passed over Yuuri. He closed his eyes.

“Wait, Yuuri! Open your eyes, I’m right here, don’t go yet.”

Yuuri dragged his eyes open again, feeling as though something heavy was pulling them shut.

“Good, stay with me now.” Viktor’s hand grabbed onto his. “The ambulance should be here soon... You just have to hold on a little longer.”

It took too much effort to nod or say yes, so Yuuri just stared into Viktor’s tired blue eyes and squeezed his hand. 

“Now, remember, in tenth grade, when we…” Whatever Viktor was saying lost its meaning, drowned in the music of his voice. Yuuri listened intently to the beautiful rise and fall of the words. His breath was starting to come easier now, and the tightness around his lungs seemed to have faded a bit. Very faintly, he could hear the mournful call of a siren.

Viktor was here, and Viktor loved him, even if it wasn’t in the way Yuuri needed.

His eyes were heavy; it was getting harder and harder to keep them open. Yuuri tried to focus on the silvery hair falling over Viktor’s beautiful, scared eyes― but a veil had slipped over Yuuri’s eyes, and the world had gone fuzzy.

“I love you, Viktor,” he whispered.

It felt good to finally say that out loud. Yuuri let his eyes fall shut. Far away, someone was shouting his name, and then that, too, faded away.

⚘

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> White chrysanthemum: truth, loyal love, you’re a wondrous friend, rest, cheerfulness  
> Anemone: sincerity, anticipation, undying love; forsaken, sickness, fading hope
> 
> I have no idea how many parts this story is going to end up having. I've already started writing more, but I'm not sure when (if?) I'll finish. I don't know if I'll continue after this or if I'll just let it be...


	4. Poem 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little poem to tide you over until the next update.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided that, yes, there will be more chapters coming. However, it will most likely continue to be sad...  
> But! I would also like to write an alternative ending, which would be a bit more light-hearted -- so don't lose hope!  
> In addition, there will probably be a couple more poems. And I might (MAYBE) do some flashbacks...
> 
> Whatever I decide to do, I think I'll make this into a series. This will be the first work in the series. If I switch perspective I'll put it in the second work in the series. I'll probably also create a work solely for flashbacks, and another solely for poetry... in which case I might eventually move this poem over to another work, or have another copy of it.
> 
> We'll see.  
> Enjoy :)

Blurred blue halos your face

and I cannot see beyond my tears

Red stains your hands,

stains mine now as well.

I wish I could’ve come with you,

to that next great adventure

after life. Chocolate 

memories melt

slip away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this poem does NOT necessarily spoil the ending. It is merely an extra little something. :)


	5. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing... Viktor's POV!!!  
> Heh, I miss writing from Yuuri's POV...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Ignore what I said last chapter about the series thing; the entire story will be in this work. Anything extra I might put in another work in the series, but mostly everything will be right here.)

Yuuri’s hand fell limp, and Viktor stopped mid-sentence.

“Yuuri!” Viktor’s vision blurred with tears. “Yuuri, please― come on, you can’t―” Viktor hugged his friend close. He had to save him. He had to― to fall in love, or― or something― “Yuuri,” he whispered.

Someone touched Viktor’s shoulder. He startled, his head jerking up; it was a nurse. He hadn’t even heard the ambulance arrive…

“Please―” he choked, but he couldn’t say more past the lump in his throat.

“We’ll take over from here,” the nurse said gently. Two others came and lifted Yuuri from Viktor’s arms onto a stretcher. _Don’t go._ He stared as they wheeled him away. Their mouths spoke, but Viktor couldn’t hear the words over the rush of blood in his ears. His heart thudded hard against his ribs. _Don’t leave me._

“Wait!” he called, stepping towards them as they lifted Yuuri into the ambulance. “I have to go with him―”

The nurses hesitated, then one of them nodded, and Viktor clambered up into the ambulance, sitting across from Yuuri. “I have to be with him,” he muttered, as if that explained everything, as if he could do anything at all besides exist.

 _I did this_ , Viktor thought, staring at his friend’s unmoving, sweat-streaked face. _Yuuri is in love with me. I’m the one who caused him so much pain._ He had thought he was helping, all that time, when it must have hurt Yuuri so much to be near him, to be so in love and to have no response.

How could he not have known?

How long had Yuuri felt this way?

Viktor buried his head in his hands. He had known the hanahaki could kill Yuuri, but he’d always foolishly hoped that somehow a miracle would happen, and Yuuri would get better.

He had pushed Yuuri so hard to talk to the person he loved― it was no wonder Yuuri had gotten upset so quickly when he brought it up.

Yuuri loved _him_. And now he was dying for it.

The siren cut off suddenly, and Viktor lifted his head. They had arrived at the hospital; the nurses were already lifting Yuuri out of the ambulance. Viktor followed them inside.

One of them stayed back and motioned for Viktor to follow her. “You should wait in the waiting room until he’s stabilized,” she said as they walked. “Someone will come get you when you can see him.”

Viktor nodded, and she left him to find a seat in the near-empty room. He sank into a chair, exhausted even though it was only 8:00. There was nothing to do anymore but wait, and hope that the doctors could do something.

∞               ∞               ∞

Someone in blue scrubs walked towards Viktor. “You just need to fill these out, and then I’ll take you to see Yuuri,” she said, handing a couple pages to him. Viktor grabbed them and filled them out quickly.

“Dr. Shah will want to speak with you first, just so you know,” the nurse said as she took the papers back.

“Okay.” Viktor followed her up stairs and through doors until they stopped at the end of a hallway. The nurse opened a door and ushered Viktor in.

The room was bigger than Viktor had expected, divided into four sections by teal-colored curtains. He tried to catch a glimpse of Yuuri, but the curtains closed each section off, hiding the patients from view.

A man in a white lab coat walked up to him and shook his hand. “I’m Dr. Shah. Yuuri is stable, but I need to talk to you before you can see him.”

“Okay.” The doctor took the papers Viktor had filled out and sat in a chair. Viktor sat across from him, waiting as he shuffled through them. Finally, he looked up.

“First, I’ll tell you about Yuuri. His body shut down as a result of a high fever, so he’s currently in a coma. At this point, we’re not sure if he’ll wake up again. He’s in the last stage of hanahaki, and very few have survived that. But that’s not to say he is completely without hope, understand?”

“Is he in pain?”

“No. The coma shields him from whatever pain he would otherwise experience.”

“Can… can he still get surgery?”

Dr. Shah shook his head. “Probably not. At this point, Yuuri’s chance of surviving a surgery is extremely slim, especially as it would have to be a more extensive procedure. His body is too weak. If Yuuri had left an Advance Medical Directive stating that he would want the surgery done, we would respect those wishes. But otherwise, we wouldn’t attempt it.”

Though his words were harsh, the doctor’s voice was gentle. Viktor nodded slowly. _You wouldn’t have wanted the surgery anyway, would you, Yuuri? Otherwise you would have already gotten it..._

“I have a few questions for you concerning Yuuri’s condition,” Dr. Shah said. “First, do you know who his doctors and primary caretakers were during the past few years?”

“His personal doctor is... Dr. Feng Liu, I believe, but he’s been seeing Dr. Sherryl Marie since he found out about the hanahaki. She’s a hanahaki specialist…”

Dr. Shah nodded as he wrote down the names. “And who took care of him at home?”

“I did. We’re roommates.”

“So you probably know quite a bit about this. When did he contract the disease?”

“Almost three years ago.”

The doctor frowned at that. “His progression is a lot quicker than most, then… Does he or anyone around him smoke?”

“No.”

“Was there possibly an increased amount of stress before this happened?”

“I guess, maybe. I was pushing him to talk to… the person he was in love with. He didn’t want to; we argued and he ran out.” Viktor’s voice shook slightly.

“How long was he gone?”

“It was almost two hours after he left when the ambulance got there.”

“And how long were you with him?”

“I left the house twenty minutes after he did. I was there for another twenty before the ambulance arrived.”

“Thank you. I’ll get the rest of his medical history from Dr. Marie and Dr. Liu.” Dr. Shah looked up from his notes. “Does Yuuri have any family we need to contact?”

Viktor thought of the way Yuuri had run from his remaining family. They didn’t even know he was sick. He shook his head. “I’m his closest relation. His family wasn’t… they didn’t treat him well.”

“Okay. We’re almost done… Viktor, I know this must be really hard for you. I want you to feel comfortable telling me how you feel. If it gets to be too much, it’s not a bad idea to see a grief counselor or therapist, okay?”

Viktor nodded. _Just let me see Yuuri!_

“Are you holding up okay for now?” Dr. Shah asked.

“Yes, I’m alive. Can I just see him already?” Viktor asked, voice cracking.

“Yes, of course.” The doctor stood and led Viktor across the room. He pushed back the curtain.

The hospital bed was surrounded by machines, with ugly tubes  attached to Yuuri’s arms and chest. A heart monitor beeped slowly in the corner. Yuuri’s pale skin looked almost bluish, his face halfway covered with some sort of breathing mask. He looked like death.

Dr. Shah pulled a chair up next to the bed. “There’s an emergency button here; press it if something happens.” Then he was gone.

Viktor sat slowly and clasped one of Yuuri’s still hands in his own. _Why did it have to be you?_ It wasn’t fair. Yuuri had just gotten away from his relatives, had just found his passion for biology. He was about to graduate and go off into the world to do amazing things; he couldn’t die yet.

Viktor bowed his head and pressed Yuuri’s hand to his forehead. “Please, save him,” he whispered. Maybe some deity would hear him. He sat there, praying, begging for a miracle, but some part of him suspected it was too late for that. Besides, he didn’t even know who or what he was praying to.  _I wish there was something I could do..._

Viktor jumped when he heard his name. The doctor was back.

“Why don’t you go home and get some sleep? It’s past midnight already.”

He didn’t want to leave, but he nodded and stood up.

“We’ll do what we can for him,” Dr. Shah said as Viktor walked out.

“Thank you,” Viktor said. He watched his feet carry him through the door, through the hallway, to an elevator. Someone shuffled in beside him; Viktor kept his eyes turned away. He needed to get home, away from all these strangers. Viktor only wished he had someone to go home to, someone to be with and talk to, someone who understood him. But there was no one left.


	6. Poem 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update, since I kept you guys waiting so long! It's just another poem, though... Hope you like it :)

**Coma**

This bright white room stifles

my thoughts

_ This world of confusion and color and chaos _

_ hurts. _

You lay there, an empty body

in a near-empty room,

except for me.

_ I want to escape, but I _

_ don’t know how. _

_ There’s something I’m missing. _

I tell you stories, softly, knowing

it won’t help

_ I’m lost in thoughts that don’t make _

_ sense _

You are too far lost.

Still I will speak, for it is you

I love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note, again, that this poem does NOT necessarily spoil the ending. It is merely another extra little something.


	7. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, I'm back for another update!!! It's been so long, I'm really sorry to keep you hanging. College has been super busy BUT HEY I finally got some time to edit another chapter, so HERE YOU GO! (If you can't tell I'm really happy to be posting again (: )

The room was bright when Viktor woke up. He must have fallen asleep on the couch sometime in the early morning; he hadn’t been able to sleep at all that night. He reached for his phone to check the time, groping the floor until finally his hand stumbled into it.  _ Ten past four _ . He’d missed lunch and his second class, but he still had twenty minutes until he had to be at his last class for the day. 

_Do I even want to go, though? It might help to do something normal, I guess, but…_ _I really don’t want to go._

Still… Yuuri would probably want him to go. He wouldn’t want Viktor giving up on his studies just for his sake. 

So, he would go then… Viktor groaned and pushed himself up from the couch. His neck was sore, and his eyes tired. He looked around their small apartment. Everything was exactly the same, but it felt almost surreal. How could anything be the same now? How could anything ever go back to normal?

_ It won’t… God, I need Yuuri to be okay. I need him to come back... _

∞ ∞ ∞

“Hey, Viktor...”

Viktor glanced up sharply at Marissa’s voice. Her eyes were worried. “What?”

“Is Yuuri okay? He wasn’t in Psychology this morning.” 

The rest of the class started shuffling out of the room. Viktor slid his chair back and stood up. “...Not really, no.”

She looked up, alarm spreading across her face. “He’s not―?”

“He’s in a coma. They don’t know when― if― he’ll wake up…”

Suddenly Marissa had pulled him into a hug, and his arms were around her small shoulders, and her hair smelled like mint. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I should have been there for you.”

“But you weren’t,” Viktor said, his arms dropping. Marissa stepped back. “What is this?” he asked, gesturing between them. “What am I supposed to think?”

“I… I want to talk to you.”

“So talk.”

“In private?”

“We’re not going to my apartment.”

“No, I didn’t mean that. Could we drive?”

“Sure, fine.” Viktor walked out ahead of Marissa towards the parking lot, letting her hurry behind him. He wasn’t sure why he felt so angry. Shouldn’t he be happy she was talking to him? He still loved her…

_ It hurts. We’re not together anymore; stop hoping when nothing will come out of it. _

Viktor unlocked the car and Marissa slid into the passenger seat beside him. “Where are we going?” he asked.

“Anywhere. Nowhere… I don’t know.”

“Okay.” He pulled out of the parking lot. “So. You wanted to talk.”

“Yeah… I don’t really know how to say it… Viktor, I really, really miss you.”

“After all of two days.” He snorted.

“Please, let me talk.”

Viktor nodded.

“I’m really sorry, for breaking up with you, for not being there for you. I― well, Yuuri had come up to me with a request a couple days before. He asked me to take care of you― god, I messed up. I’m so sorry…

“Well, I had suspected for a little while, and that made me sure ― this might be shocking, but… Yuuri was in love with you.”

“Is.”

“Oh― yes. Is. How did you know?”

Viktor didn’t answer.  _ She knew? Why didn’t she tell me? _

Marissa continued when she saw that Viktor wasn’t going to respond. “I thought maybe if ― if I broke up with you, you could fall in love with him instead― I don’t know. It was stupid, I should’ve told you, or stayed with you, or something― I’m such an idiot, and now he’s hurt―” She had started crying.

“It’s okay, Marissa. It’s not your fault.”  _ It’s mine. _

“It’s not okay. I hurt you.”

Viktor couldn’t answer. She  _ had _ hurt him. Eventually, he said, “Why would you do that? Leave me, even though you loved me―”

“Because Yuuri was dying! And I didn’t want him to die. He’s my friend, too.” After a while, she said, “Have you told his other friends yet? They’ll want to visit him…”

“No… I don’t know how to.”

“I can help you. If you want.”

Viktor nodded. “Thank you.”

∞ ∞ ∞

Viktor couldn’t pay attention at all in art history the next morning. He had barely slept all night; what sleep he did get had been plagued by nightmares. No matter how interesting the lecture was, no matter how much he tried to listen to the professor’s words, Viktor’s thoughts kept drifting back to Yuuri. Not just about his future… about their past, too. About the way Yuuri would always try to be positive for Viktor’s sake, about the way he was so easily embarrassed, about the way he got so excited about biology, and cared so much for animals. Yuuri was so pure… From the first time Viktor had seen him, he’d felt compelled to protect him. Before long they had become friends… Viktor had never known what a true friend was like until he’d met Yuuri. The emptiness he’d always felt was filled, and soon Yuuri knew things about him that not even Marissa was aware of. Viktor remembered accidentally finding the bruises Yuuri tried to hide; remembered the first panic attack he’d witnessed, and how they’d both cried afterwards; remembered worrying that Yuuri might not show up at school the next day. He remembered wishing he could go back in time and prevent the crash that had killed Yuuri’s parents, just so he could be happy… even if it meant they would never meet. And now Yuuri was dying ― it wasn’t fair. He deserved happiness. And he’d been so much better since he’d gotten away from his aunt and uncle, he’d found something to be passionate about...

The chalk slipped, screeching against the blackboard for a second before snapping in two. The professor picked up the broken piece, apologized, and kept writing.

“It’s 10:30,” someone called.

“Ah yes, I suppose I should let you guys go now,” the professor replied. “We’ll come back to this next time.”

Viktor glanced down at his notebook, significantly doodled on but empty of all notes.  _ Whatever, it doesn’t matter anymore.  _ He started gathering his things and followed the crowd out the door.

“Hey.”

Viktor looked up to see Yuri leaning against the wall. Yuri was an art student too, though a year below him, and the closest friend Viktor had outside of Yuuri. 

“You okay?” Yuri said. “You look terrible.”

Viktor stared at the ground as they started walking. He felt empty, a bottomless pit of dead emotions. “Yuuri is dying,” he said.

Yuri stopped. “Go see him.”

“What?”

“Go see him, in the hospital.”

“I am, after classes today.”

“No, go now. You need to be with him.”

“Yuri! Stop. He’s in a coma ― he wouldn’t even know I was there.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Yuri started walking again; Viktor followed. “Look, I know it’s terrifying to see him like this, and I know it hurts. But when my sister died… I didn’t spend enough time with her. If I were there, she might’ve had the strength to survive…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m fine now ― but you have to go. Do you need me to drive you? Which hospital is he at?”

“Heart of the Rockies. But I can drive myself.”

“That’s almost two hours away!”

“It was the nearest hospital.”

Yuri’ eyes were questioning, but whatever thoughts he had he kept to himself. “Okay. Will I see you tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. And thanks.”

“Of course. Call me if you need anything.”

Viktor nodded and headed off to his car.

∞ ∞ ∞

“Hey, Yuuri,” Viktor said. “How are you?” He paused.  _ Obviously not so great, you idiot. _ He felt stupid, talking to no one. He wasn’t even sure Yuuri could hear him. 

Viktor stared at Yuuri’s face. He looked better than he had Tuesday night, but he seemed thinner. With the breathing tube inserted in his nose and the IV connected to his arm, it was hard to pretend he was merely sleeping. 

“I don’t know what to do,” he said. “...I need you to wake up. I need to talk to you again…

“You were going to be in my wedding. Our kids were gonna be best friends, and mine would call you ‘Uncle’ ― Hell, maybe they’d have called you ‘Dad’. Our kids… could have been siblings…”

_ What am I saying? What  _ can _ I say? I have no idea what… My mind ― is broken. _

_ “I’m broken, _ ” Viktor whispered. Then suddenly he was talking about all his problems and worries and feelings, the way he used to before Yuuri got sick. Yuuri was always a good listener ― and even though he had far worse problems than Viktor, he never devalued Viktor’s feelings. Viktor wondered if Yuuri was listening now.

It felt good to finally say it all out loud to someone. He’d kept his feelings inside since Yuuri got sick ― he hadn’t wanted to cause him any more stress or worry. 

“How am I going to live without you?” Viktor sat, almost expecting a reply, but Yuuri was still, the only sign of life coming from the steady beating of the heart monitor. “Just come back, and we’ll work this out.” It was a stupid, false hope, completely and utterly impossible. Still…

_ If I loved you, would you live? Would the flowers stop eating away at your soul? _

_ I love you. _

_ I love you, Yuuri. _

_ I love you, I love you, I love you. _

But it felt wrong. Even as he said it, even if he thought it ― it felt fake. It was a lie; he was just trying to deceive himself into love ― a natural reaction, right? Right. His heart still ached for someone else ― he couldn’t love two people at once. But he didn’t even know what to think of that anymore. 

He loved Yuuri, he really did.

_ Why can’t my love be enough? _


	8. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all~  
> I have received an epiphany, and it turns out the end of this story is a little farther away than I originally expected. Please bear with me -- we won't be stuck in the hospital scenes for too much longer, I promise. Things will be changing soon!!  
> Can't say any more on that subject. (Actually, I'm really excited for the next chapter. Not sure how quickly I'll be able to post it, but please be patient with me!)

Viktor ended up staying in the hospital through his other classes. He didn’t really care anymore if he missed ― Yuuri was more important. Class had started to seem menial and pointless.

A couple of Yuuri’s friends stopped by during the day, including Marissa. Phichit stayed the longest. Viktor couldn’t remember the last time Phichit wasn’t smiling ― but now, as Phichit walked back into the waiting room, his face was heavy.

He sat down next to Viktor. “He… he’s not going to make it, is he?” he said.

“It’s the last stage…”

“...and that’s fatal,” Phichit murmured, barely audible.

Viktor felt a cool hand press down on his shoulder. He looked up. Phichit met his eyes, tears streaming down his face. Viktor didn’t need words to know how he felt. He leaned over and hugged him, and Phichit squeezed back tightly.

After a moment, he stood up. “I have to go now… I’ll see you later.”

Viktor nodded. “Bye.”

 _I’m not alone,_ Viktor thought as he watched Phichit’s receding back. _I’m not alone._

Viktor waited a little longer before returning to Yuuri’s room. Everything was the same, except― “His breathing tube is out!”

“Oh, yes,” the nurse said. “His breathing has improved a lot; he’s fine on his own now.”

“That’s good, right?”

“Well, I’ve never worked with hanahaki before, but it seems to me like that would be a good thing.”

Viktor nodded, speechless. Did this mean there was hope? Could Yuuri actually… live?

“Yuuri,” he said as the nurse left, “I’m here again. I miss you…”

∞               ∞               ∞

Viktor stayed until visiting hours closed at 6:30. He’d watched Yuuri closely for any other signs of improvement, but nothing had happened. By the end of the day, he was exhausted; it was amazing how tiring worrying could be. He went straight to bed as soon as he got home, not even bothering to change clothes, and was asleep in moments.

 

Viktor jerked awake. _Something’s wrong,_ he thought. _Was it a dream? Maybe this is just a leftover feeling..._

Just then, his alarm started ringing. No― not his alarm. His ringtone. Someone was calling him. _What time is it? It’s completely dark out._

He turned on the lamp, squinting against the light, and grabbed his phone.

“Hello?”

“Is this Viktor Nikiforov?”

It was the hospital. “Yes, that’s me.” Viktor’s heart thudded hard in his chest. _Let him be awake, please, let him be awake._

“It’s about Yuuri. He’s in critical condition, and of course the doctors are doing everything they can, but Dr. Shah suggested that you come visit.”

“I’ll be there soon.” Viktor hung up. _No. Nonono, this can’t be real._ He grabbed his keys and phone and ran down the apartment stairs. _Hold on, Yuuri, hold on. I’m coming._

∞               ∞               ∞

When he got there, the room was a flurry of activity. Viktor stood back; he didn’t want to get in the way. Soon someone approached him ― Dr. Shah.

“Yuuri’s fever spiked a couple hours ago. If we can’t lower his temperature significantly… well, it doesn’t look good. The nurses will be here for a while, but you can go sit next to him if you want. We don’t know if it’ll make a difference, but sometimes having loved ones nearby helps.”

Viktor nodded. _Please, not yet Yuuri. I’m not ready._

“Wasn’t he getting better though? He was breathing on his own.”

“Ah. With hanahaki, when the host body is dying, the plant begins to wilt as well. It clears up the lungs a little and makes it easier for the host to breathe.”

“Then the hanahaki is dying?”

“Only because it’s already too late. Yuuri’s body can’t survive much longer. It’s been through too much… I’m sorry.”

The nurses were busy in the room for a while. Viktor sat by Yuuri’s bed, head bowed, trying not to panic. “I’m here,” he whispered. “I’m still here ― I’ll always be here.” He knew now how Yuuri must have felt, first when his family died, then later with the nightmares and panic attacks: helpless, worthless, a mess of tangled emotions. Everything had gone wrong.

Eventually, one of the nurses approached Viktor. “We’ve done everything we can for the time being,” she said. “I’ll be staying here to make sure nothing goes wrong. If you need me, I’ll be back there.” She pointed behind the curtain.

Viktor nodded, and the nurse left.

“Yuuri,” he whispered. “I know I say the same thing every time I come here. But... I can’t live without you.”

He brought Yuuri’s hand up to his forehead. “I don’t know what to do.”

_If I feel so strongly for you… do I…?_

_Do I love you… as more?_

“I don’t even know what I’m feeling…

“I wish I could say goodbye ― in person ― one more time.

“I wish I had time to fall in love with you. I wish I knew that side of you too. I wish I could kiss you, and go on a date with you, just one ― and then just one after that, and another after that…

“I had a crush on you, did you know? In eighth grade… but I thought it was impossible and wrong, and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, so I convinced myself to see you only as a friend… I should have told you, then. I should have...”

The tears were hot, stinging his eyes. “God, I wish you were here. Yuuri… I think…” Viktor fell silent, lost in his thoughts.

His eyes were heavy. He leaned down on the bed, burying his head in his arms.

“I want to talk to you again...”

∞               ∞               ∞

Viktor jerked up. Had he been asleep? No, just thinking… right? What time was it?

He stretched an arm out to feel Yuuri’s forehead and something fell from his shoulders. _A blanket? I_ must _have been sleeping… I guess the nurse put that there._

Yuuri’s skin was hot and damp, his breathing heavy. But the heart monitor continued beeping steadily.

“Thank God,” Viktor sighed. He knew Yuuri didn’t have much time ― but whatever time was left, Viktor wanted it. He needed it.

“Yuuri…” he whispered, leaning in, “Yuuri, I think…

“I think I love you.”

 _Is that true though?_ Viktor thought, but all he felt was _Yes._ He loved Yuuri. But it was too late.

“I just wanted to tell you, before you go…

“I hope you can hear me…”

He let go of Yuuri’s hand and rubbed his eyes. They stung, but he was all out of tears.

Suddenly, Yuuri made a choking noise. Viktor’s head jerked up.

“Yuuri?”

His eyes were still closed, but he was coughing, taking in huge gasps of air. Blood dribbled from the corner of his lips.

The nurse hurried over and turned him on his side. “Stand back,” she commanded, and Viktor backed up against the wall. More nurses ran in.

“What’s happening?” he asked, but no one answered. Viktor couldn’t see past their backs. He only heard the horrible, violent retching from Yuuri.

_Did I do something? Is he okay?_

Dr. Shah entered and took charge immediately. One of the nurses led Viktor out. “I’m sorry, we don’t want anyone in the way,” she said. She pulled the door shut.

Viktor’s heart banged against his ribs. _Please don’t let this be it, don’t let this be the end. I need more time…_

He sank down to the floor and leaned against the wall. _I wish there was something I could do…_

Viktor pulled his phone from his pocket, finger hovering over the call app. But he didn’t want to talk to anyone about this. Besides, no one would be awake. He stared at the wall and tried not to think.

After eternity had passed, Dr. Shah came out of the room. Viktor stood up. “Yuuri, is he―?”

Dr. Shah shook his head, and Viktor felt his heart drop. “He’s still alive, but it doesn’t look good. I’m not sure how much longer he has; it’s incredible that he’s made it this far.”

“Can I―”

“I’m sorry, you probably shouldn’t go back in right now.”

“But if he’s dying, I want to be there, until…”

“You can wait in the waiting room if you really want to. But until he’s more stable, I can’t let you in, and I’m not sure how long it will take. It might be better for you to go home ― we’ll keep you notified in either case. I’m sorry.”

“I’ll stay,” Viktor said. He turned and walked away. _I’ll always stay._


	9. Poem 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk what to say except I'm trying to avoid writing a paper rn so I decided to post something (lucky you). Just a poem though :)

I will break away at night  
when all my thoughts have turned to gray  
and I can feel myself start to fade  
these feelings crowd my mind to say  
that I am worthless I am dead  
I’m just a thought inside my head  
begging Please don’t go away  
it isn’t right for you to stay  
beside my lonely bed and pray  
that some god of grace and might  
will give me strength to stay alive--

                                          I want to live.

Hold my b r e a t h ,  
count to ten  
Seek the light of morning sun  
and            hold            on.

I will live for you today.  
I will push these thoughts away  
I will not fade into gray  
But I will make it through the night  
And I will fight

                                            to stay alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just realizing this poem can be interpreted in two ways.  
> One: Yuuri's perspective as he's in a coma.  
> Two: Yuuri's depression during high school.  
> What do you think? Any other interpretations?


	10. Songs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was introduced to this first song by one of my readers (thank you!) and it fits so well that I wanted to share it. The second one I heard on my own and not only does it fit but it's also really beautiful so. Here they are!
> 
> If you have any songs that remind you of my story, I'd love to hear them!

**Gone - Bebe Rexha**

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rqnmo-5iQEY>

Viktor:

And I know I can't take back all the things I did  
But if I had one wish, I would wish for one more chance  
Somewhere our fear took all control  
That's when I turned cold  
Won't you give me one more chance?

Cause I'm a lost river that'll never reach the sea  
When you're not here with me, when you're gone

Yuuri:

I'm sick to my bones, I don't feel natural  
Without you I'm not whole, when you're gone

Viktor:

Drove to your house in the night  
Couldn't sleep 'til I made it right

Both:

I'm sorry for all the pain  
For lovin' you in vain

Yuuri:

So I'll leave the night light on  
In hopes that you will find your way  
And make it safely home  
And in the eye of the storm  
Our love will be the only thing  
That keeps us holding on

 

 

**Killing Me to Love You - Vancouver Sleep Clinic**

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASu8C78KhKM>

 

Your body is broken but you’re trying to fight this  
Your arms are weary but you’re trying to hide this

I'm bringing you home  
It’s been so long  
We’re finding the road  
Back to where we belong

It’s growing faster than you’ve grown  
And now you’re stronger than yourself  
I’m fighting for you  
I’m hunting for you  
But it’s killing me to love you

You lost it all and now you've been left open  
And you were starting to heal but you've been tearing the punctures

I want to keep faith, but you're making it harder  
But it's killing me to love you  
I’m reaching out now but you're pulling me under  
But it's killing me to love you  
I give you all just to watch you waste it  
But it's killing me to love you  
But I can't let go when you still need saving

 

 

 

**Lung - Vancouver Sleep Clinic**

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyYUZMEE0x8>

Can somebody help me out?  
I can't find my feet

I'm sinking in the deep  
Can somebody pick me up?  
The voice is too loud  
I'm losing in the crowd

Because I can't breathe  
Oh, I can't breathe

Because I can't breathe  
Oh come and help me out

Somebody help me out?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next real chapter is in progress and on its way!
> 
> UPDATE: Sorry, college has gotten in the way of writing once again. But when I have extra time (which unfortunately is rarely) I'll be working on this.


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